However, like Bar Gratings, I’m clearly the place to get some spool macs from. Or so the email I got this morning suggests:

From: glen johnson
Date: 11 November 2011 07:12
Subject: order

Hello,
Am Mr Glen Johnson and i will like to order spool macs from your company,can i have their prices in range and the method of payment you do accept,I wish to start business with your good company so i look forward for your valued reply ASAP.

Have a nice day !

Best Regards
Glen Johnson

Well, never one to turn down a potential customer, I passed him on to my faithful sales employee, Harry:

Dear Mr Glen,

We sell large spool macs at US$120.41 each, and small spool macs at US$118.12 each.

We accept payment by Paypal and Green Shield Stamps.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Haz
Senior Executive Tie

Hello,

I will like you to send me the list of GAME CONSOLES you have
available and their prices,so i can choose the one that is most
suitable for me.

Regards

So I sent this in return:

Dear Mr Henry

Here is a list of the GAME CONSOLES in our stocks. All prices are priced in US DOLLERS.

NEW
NINTENDO WII WHITE $200
NINTENDO WII BLACK $220
ZII CONSOLE $100
ITEK $60
SEGA XBOX 360 250GBS BLACK $240
SEGA XBOX 360 AND KINECTS $320
SONNY PLAY STATION 3 $280
SONNY PLAY STATION 3 AND MOVE $300
GAME KING $50
GAME KING II $60
NINTENDO DUAL DS WHITE $110
NINTENDO DUAL DS BLUE $110
SONNY PLAY STATUS PORTABLE $140

REMANUFACTURED
NONTENDO GAME BOY ADVANCE $40
NONTENDO DUAL DS CLONE $80
TOMY TRONIC SKY FIGHTERS $20

Best,
Haz (Exec Sales Admin Exec Sales Dept)

Reel reel reel reel…

Hi Sales,

Am Mr Henry Romans. I want to place an order from you. I know the difficulties encountered when shipping internationally, But that will not be a problem because i am registered with a shipping company whom i have used severally without any delay nor problems with my goods. Before i place these order, i want you to notify me if i am able to place the order and most important: If i can make payment with my credit cards Visa/Mc because that is the only way we are set for payment now without no delay. I don’t place online orders can i e-mail my ORDER needed then you can give me a quote here and make charges to my cards manually on your end ? Pls Clarify.

Looking forward to your swift response then we can proceed further as soon as possible.

Warmest Regards.

Mr Henry Romans

Shipping Address:
103-103 Yangwoo Apt, 323 Sosadong Sosaku
Bucheon City
Kyunggido
53226
Korea
Reg. No. 1450528

How could I resist? I thought I’d play along, not expecting much (as I said – they rarely respond back).

Dear Mr Henry,

Yes, we can ship many product to you by the way of your shipping company and I am happy to take your credit cards (we accept MC/VISA/AMEX/Diners/TigerTokens) by emailing so I can quote immediately.

How many units are you in the ordering of?

Best,
Haz (Sales Corp Exec Admin)

Imagine my surprise when he actually emailed back! I’m not sure what he thinks I’m selling though, and I’m not certain how this scam actually “works”, or at least, is supposed to work, but still…

Hello,

I will like you to send me the list of products you have available and their prices,so i can choose the one that is most suitable for me.

Regards

After some thought, I decided what I would sell him and emailed this back:

Dear Mr Henry,

We have a many selection of assorted different products and styles. Our best selling products are SUNGLASSES and GENUINE FAKE ROLEX WATCHES, but we also sell GOLF CLUBS, SPYING EQUIPMENT, MP3/MP4/MP5 PLAYERS, GAME CONSOLES, BAR GRATINGS, CELL PHONE CHARGERS and USB GADGETS.

Which of these are you most interested in?

Best,
Haz (Sales Admin Exec Sales)

Let’s hope the fishy bites, yes? I may have jinxed it with the bar gratings though.

From: clement boot
Date: 8 March 2010 12:15
Subject: Order

Dear Customer Service

My name is Rev Clement Boot with the Boot’s & Company Inc and i am
sending this email to your business as per regards to the order for
some ((Bar Grating)) . I will want you to send me an email response
back with the types of ((Bar Grating))that you carry as well as their
prices that you carry in stock now so that i can make my selection and
let you know the type that i am looking for so that we can proceed
with the order and i will also like to know the forms of payment that
you accept so that we can proceed with the order.

Best Regards
Rev. Boot

Since, bizarrely, I also happen to run a company that make gratings and fences (not actually true), I thought I’d best email him back post haste!

Hello Dear Mr Rev. Boot,

I am very glad you have the time in contacting our company for the very purpose of enquiring about the products in the type of Bar Grating that we are producers of. We have many Bar Grading products suitable for floors and fencings. We have thicknesses for you from 10MM to 500MM and make curves to a degrees of 90%. Bar Gratings can be made from steel or 17% iron alloy bronze.

Payments can be made by PAYPAL or WESTERN UNION, in advancement of your shipping.

Please supply the specifications of the Bar Grating you wish to buy from us and our sales will invoice you with pricings for our produce.

Best Regards,
Mr. Harry Bloxham
Gratings and Fencings GMBH.

Could be onto a bit of cash here!

Update at 09:30!

Seems I’m not the only person the very Rev Boot has been contacting! This guy was asked to provide details of his kayak products, and this one was asked for 200.000pcs of iron! Clearly Clement is a terrorist.

See also the amazing nonsense about my file (marked X!) and the released disk (painted RED!).

From:     janejames08@gmail.com
Subject:     Jame J
Date:     5 June 2009 14:20:52 BST
To:     Undisclosed recipients: ;
Reply-To:     janejames01@hotmail.co.uk

I am Miss Jane James.. a computer scientist with central bank of Nigeria.

I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N. I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you. The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you, instead they let you spend money unnecessarily. I do not intend to work here all the days of my life, I can release this fund to you if you can certify me
of my security, and how I can run away from this Nigeria if I do this, because if I don’t run away from this country after i make the transfer, I will seriously be in trouble and my life will be in danger.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria, you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian. The only thing I will need to release this fund is a special HARD DISK we call it HD120 GIG. I will buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, punch the computer to reflect in your bank within 24 banking hours. I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file, after which I will run away from Nigeria to meet with you. If you are interested.

SPECIAL INFORMATION:YOU WILL SEND THE FEE FOR THE HARD DISK FIRST BEFORE I MAKE YOUR TRANSFER.DONT CONTACT ME IF YOU CAN NOT SEND THE HARD DISK FEE FIRST.AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR EMAIL I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THE DISK WILL COST YOU.

Do get in touch with me immediately.

Regards,
Jane James.
Computer Scientist
janejames01@hotmail.co.uk

Hello andy i think that your site is amazing, i love you pro wife simulator, however it is only amzing for animals such as slugs (it could be amazing for a snail but it is not likly due to there higher standards).

You SUCK

Wow! I bet I was well upset when that appeared in my inbox.

Anyway. In the process of doing the backing up, archiving, and then checking the archive, I had a read through some old messages, and here, for your reading pleasure, is one of them. This is from 2004, and was sent to a group of people who subscribe to one of the newsgroups I frequent:

Wierd question, I know, but is anyone here called Fergus? I just got a
random call from a loony called “Fergus” mumbling something about ICQ
and the internet:

My mobile just rang:

Gruff voice: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Gruff voice: Is that Toby?
Me: Yes, who’s this?
Gruff voice: This is Fergus.
Me: Ok, hi, Why are you calling me?
Fergus : I have your number
Me: Do I know you? I don’t think I know you.
Fergus : Have you ever worked in a bar?
Me: No. Never. Where did you get my number, did you find it on a piece
of paper or something?
Fergus : No.
Me: Where did you get my number from?
Fergus : I have your number from the internet.
Me: Right.
Fergus : I have your number from the internet.
Me: I don’t think I know you, and I don’t think you know me.
Fergus : Have you ever worked in a bar?
Me: No. I think I’m going to hang up now, okay?
Fergus : Ok.
Me: I think that’s best.
Fergus : Ok.
Me: Bye then.
Fergus : Ok. Bye.

I guess he lifted my number from here! :-/
Toby

Quite horrific, yes?