Things I learned at Legoland about Other People

Legoland was great. It rained, but it was great. However: Many of the people who went to Legoland were not. Here’s what I learned.

1. Signs that say “no smoking” are merely guidelines. If you want to smoke, just smoke anywhere, why not? Sure, there are designated smoking areas, but you’ve been stuck in a queue for half an hour so you know what? You deserve a fag right now.
2. It is impossible to put children near fences and railings without said fences and railings being climbed on. Even when there are signs that tell you not to, and even when Legoland staff politely request that your children don’t climb the barrier because it’s a safety hazard, it’s perfectly fine to do it.
3. When you’re told “don’t hold your child in your lap” because it’s dangerous and they might actually die, that doesn’t actually apply to you at all. Even when the ride is stopped as a result.
4. When your child is not tall enough to ride, and you are told this as you enter the queue (there’s a thing to measure them against) and again by a member of staff when you reach the front of the queue, arguing the toss will apparently make your child suddenly have a growth spurt or the safety rules for the ride will magically be relaxed. Even more so if you complain about how long you’ve waited.
5. All 7-10 year old boys are incapable of pooing anywhere besides in their own pants, at least judging from the smell and how they walk.
6. When you’ve spent two hours in a car full of excited children on the way to Legoland, then half an hour queuing to get in and paying a King’s Ransom for the privilege of entering the park, definitely the best thing to do immediately is force your family to sit with you while you have a burger and a coke.
7. When rain is forecast days in advance, and it’s raining when you leave the house, and raining when you arrive at Legoland, and it is still forecast to rain the whole of the rest of the day, you are certainly within your rights to complain that one ride has been closed and demand a complete refund.
8. As soon as you are through the gates at Legoland, your children are no longer your responsibility. Are they misbehaving? Being a danger to themselves and others? Not your problem! They have staff to sort that out. Signs that tell you to supervise your children? You don’t need to pay attention to them.
9. When a ride which exists primarily to get the riders wet, gets you wet, of course you have a right to complain angrily to the poor woman operating the ride who has already warned you that you will get wet.
10. Waa waa waa. A ride broke down. Waa waa waa the food is too expensive. Waa waa waa. They’re building a new hotel? What the hell for? Waa waa waa. It’s raining and I’m getting wet. Waa waa waa. Moan bloody moan bloody moan.

How the friendly, helpful and genuinely lovely Legoland staff cope with this (combined with the same music on a loop all day every day) without killing anyone remains a mystery.