Best of Junk Mail, September 2016

Cordial Saludo.

Señores,

Tenemos el placer de presentarnos a ustedes como empresa prestadora de servicio, con un alto enfasis en servicio al cliente y calidad.

Nos encantaria contar con ustedes como agencia de viajes, para la gestión de clientes y para el trabajo en union empresarial, y de esa manera aliarnos para ofrecerles lo que sabemos y tenemos.

Si estan interesados en formar una alianza estrategica con nuestro hotel, comuniquesen con nosotros para enseñarles mas ampliamente nuestras instalaciones.

Le agradecemos de antemano su tiempo empleado en la lectura de esta presentación, en seguridad de no defraudar su tiempo y atencion.

HOTEL LA TERRAZA
¡Qué buen descanso!

Scorchio! From what little Spanish I know, I translated it as this:

Friendly salutations.

Sirs,

Do you have problems with bladder control? Tena Lady present to you a service for all our clients on holiday. No more encountering unwanted wetness, especially when gestating [being pregnant, presumably] or when in a special union [erm, making love?]. Your man’s allure won’t be offended by Tena Lady. You are interested, yes? Why not come to our hotel, where you communicate with your nostrils and we will implement an installation.
The agreement with other men plead all the time for lectures and presentations about the security of our fraudulent product, and it’s time for your attention.

THE HOTEL TERRACE

What lovely decking!

Pretty sure that’s word for word. This next one is in English, or at least I think it is. I’ve had to do a screenshot because all those wacky accents won’t copy and paste (and don’t bother clicking the link):

Ventolin? Why would I buy that over the internet from this no doubt classy and legitimate online pharmacy? It’s an asthma drug freely available from the chemist on the high street. Hmm.

Mind you, some of the other stuff might come in handy if I follow up this email from “saharok <sales@withnellcarsales.com>”. No, they’re not trying to sell me a car. Unless she comes with a car? Maybe she does.

Hello man
I wanted to meet you. My name is Iuliia,
I live in a great country called Russia. You live in England (Uk)?
I am a single girl looking for a lonely man for relationship.
I want to meet the partner of your life and be with him until the end of life. Our goals are the same?
In the letter I send you my photo, as I will wait for your photos.
If you not is interesting please ignore my letter. I will understand.
If you are interested then we can continue our dialogue in more detail. Have a nice day

Sadly, I think Iuliia (some version of Julia?) is barking up the wrong tree. She says “I want to meet the partner of your life and be with him until the end of life”, but the partner of my life is my wife, who is in no way a him, and I’m certainly not interested in Iuliia coming into her life forever. No, definitely not. Ever. I was tempted to send some of my No Man’s Sky screenshots though, as she did ask for photos.

Wait a minute…

From: vospriimchivyj <office@h-line.com.ua>

Hello. I wanted to meet you. My name is Iuliia, I live in a great country called Russia. You live in England (Uk)?
I am a single girl looking for a lonely man for relationship. I want to meet the partner of your life and be with him until the end of life.
Our goals are the same? In the letter I send you my photo, as I will wait for your photos.
If you not is interesting please ignore my letter. I will understand.
If you are interested then we can continue our dialogue in more detail. Have a nice day.

She appears to be the same girl?! Maybe this is legit! And he has two email addresses. No mention of a free car, though. What the hell is that on her plate? A huge lump of mayonnaise?

Moving on:

My wife and I have a donation Cheque for you

Great! I’d love you to send it to me but your email address appears to be “n@..com” so I can’t contact you.

This one is interesting:

PRO CHROMAKEY BACKGROUNDS
DESIGNED FOR PROFESSIONAL PRODUCTION.

Our ProDeluxe backgrounds include multiple angles / focal lengths to give you options in the edit. Cut in to a tight shot without having to fake a new angle with your background. The result is two shots that look different and cut perfectly.

The details matter when you’re trying to create a composite shot that looks natural and believable. In this image, the foreground shot (talent) and the background plate were shot at with the same focal length, focus distance and camera orientation. The result is a convincing looking composite shot.

OK, so perhaps it isn’t interesting. Why would I be interested in Chromakey backgrounds? Nice of them to call me the “talent” though. How suave.

No idea what this junk mail is:

Although perhaps I could sail somewhere with it, because (get ready, this is going to be great) IT’S A CHINESE JUNK. Badum tish.

Finally, there’s this:

You may recall receiving an email from me last week asking if you are looking to the market place for large cost services such as Cleaning, Catering and/or Grounds Maintenance.

Are you further aware that potential costs for the indicated services will steadily rise to keep in line with the Government’s increases to the minimum wage level currently proposed at £9ph. by April 2020 and, added to this, the increases in the Government based Pension Schemes

[Redacted] Ltd has, for a number of clients, implemented an early strategy to review external contracts to potentially reduce costs, assist procurement processes by pooling resources and buying power with collaborative purchasing between larger educational groups. Typical cost reductions could be in the region of 5%-10% where possible, and these can help offset the expected wage increase of around 5.5% over the next few years.

I’ll be more than happy to have an initial meeting with you to review where savings could be achieved and would ask when would be an ideal time to visit to discuss your options?

Best regards,

Being a super famous and incredibly wealthy internet personality[ref]Clearly why Iuliia is so interested in me.[/ref] does mean that I have a huge appetite and vast swathes of land in need of constant maintenance, and they come at a massive cost. I’m not sure why I’d need to buy into educational groups in order to save money though. Some sort of scam, presumably? Do I need to pretend to be a school? Hmm.

Tune in again at some point in the future when I no doubt will publish more “hilarious” junk mail. Or not.