On the Internet at the Dawn of Time #1

As an addition to my other “dawn of time” occasionals, I thought I’d bring you this – a contribution to the BBC’s “h2g2”. As you may know, h2g2 was set up to be an actual real version of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (hence the name). In fact, it pretty much became a forerunner to Wikipedia, and in the last few years it seems to have been mostly abandoned in favour of it.

Anyway, In 1996 I came up with a “hilarious” new product – the Lard Bar. Initially, its tagline was “It costs a pound to make you round”, but this price was revised to 30p when I realised that other similar confections (Mars, Twix, etc.) were nearer that figure and the chocolate snack marketplace was too crowded to support a premium price point for a new product.

Yes, this was far too much detail for something that didn’t exist.

So I posted my product on h2g2. For some reason, the date is listed as 1999, but I think that might be because of some technical changed made to h2g2 around then.

I have come up with this great new snack – ready to take the world by storm. All I need is a bit of cash from some gullib- er, willing ‘business partners’ (silent, of course). I propose the following: The Lard Bar(tm) —————- Des: A small oblong length of Top Quality Lard, coated in smooth milk chocolate. Cost: About 30p Variations on this are the Caramel Lard Bar(tm), Biscuit Lard Bar(tm) and Dark Chocolate Lard Bar(tm). Currently under plan are the equally delicious-sounding White Chocolate Lard Bar(tm) and the ‘yummy’ Pork Scratching Lard Bar(tm). Any takers? You’ve got to be able to stump up a couple of grand by christmas, waver all rights to a fair deal, and be completely hatstand. (c) + ™ AK Enterprises Ltd.

Amezin, yes?

Original article

Emails from the Dawn of Time #2

Here’s another one, this time from 2002:

Hello andy i think that your site is amazing, i love you pro wife simulator, however it is only amzing for animals such as slugs (it could be amazing for a snail but it is not likly due to there higher standards).


Wow! I bet I was well upset when that appeared in my inbox.

Emails from the Dawn of Time #1

Today, I decided that having a 1GB Outlook .pst file with all my emails in was a bit of overkill, and decided to archive some. I’ve kept virtually all of my emails ever since I left Uni in 1999, and even forwarded on some from there, so I’ve got a few from 1997.

Anyway. In the process of doing the backing up, archiving, and then checking the archive, I had a read through some old messages, and here, for your reading pleasure, is one of them. This is from 2004, and was sent to a group of people who subscribe to one of the newsgroups I frequent:

Wierd question, I know, but is anyone here called Fergus? I just got a
random call from a loony called “Fergus” mumbling something about ICQ
and the internet:

My mobile just rang:

Gruff voice: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Gruff voice: Is that Toby?
Me: Yes, who’s this?
Gruff voice: This is Fergus.
Me: Ok, hi, Why are you calling me?
Fergus : I have your number
Me: Do I know you? I don’t think I know you.
Fergus : Have you ever worked in a bar?
Me: No. Never. Where did you get my number, did you find it on a piece
of paper or something?
Fergus : No.
Me: Where did you get my number from?
Fergus : I have your number from the internet.
Me: Right.
Fergus : I have your number from the internet.
Me: I don’t think I know you, and I don’t think you know me.
Fergus : Have you ever worked in a bar?
Me: No. I think I’m going to hang up now, okay?
Fergus : Ok.
Me: I think that’s best.
Fergus : Ok.
Me: Bye then.
Fergus : Ok. Bye.

I guess he lifted my number from here! :-/

Quite horrific, yes?