Look, “deKay’s eShop” is nothing to do with me

Golf Story – Out This Thursday According to deKay’s eShop! from NintendoSwitch

It’s some “inside joke” and nothing “this kid” has the inside scoop on, sorry.

That said, if it isn’t this week it should be next week, right?

Shenmue at Game

Where is the mirror?

I’m speechless. Someone actually got it.

shenmue at game

Props to Ryan B!

Flappy Bird and Crossy Road

PRINT $verb.”y “.$noun

Verby Noun seems to be a thing for mobile games these days. Flappy Bird, Crossy Road, Twisty Board, Choppy Knight, Swimmy Fish, Flippy Bottle and – what the hell – Jumpy Tree!? Twee Verby Noun games are the new Games That Aren’t Boggle, or something. I don’t really know as I don’t use my telephone for gaming because I’m a grownup.

verby noun jumpy-tree twisty-board flippybottle choppy-knight

It did get me thinking though, about how easy it is to create a game concept simply using that naming structure. How easy? This easy:

Addy Sums
Alerty Klaxon
Announcey Tannoy
Applaudy Audience
Attacky Tiger
Bakey Cake
Barky Dog
Bitey Mouth
Bleedy Corpse
Blessy Priest
Boily Water
Bomby Plane
Bruisey Knee
Burny Fire
Burrowy Badger
Chasey Missile
Choppy Axe
Coily Spring
Comby Hair
Connecty Dots
County Sheep
Crushy Grapes
Cryey Baby
Cutty Knife
Dancey Party
Darny Sock
Dially Phone
Diggy Hole
Dividey Cells
Drinky Pop
Drippy Tap
Drivey Car
Drowny Kittens
Eaty Pie
Echoy Tunnel
Fally Rain
Floaty Boat
Floody Valley
Flushy Toilet
Followy Leader
Haunty Ghost
Hitty Boxer
Holdy Hand
Hoppy Bunny
Injecty Drugs
Itchy Bits
Joggy Bottoms
Kicky Foot
Kissy Face
Knitty Knots
Knocky Wood
Launchy Rocket
Licky Tongue
Locky Door
Marchy Band
Melty Blood[ref]No, that’s a real one![/ref]
Mergey Traffic
Milky Cow
Moisteny Towelette
Openy Window
Packy[ref]Careful![/ref] Bags
Parky Car
Painty Brush
Pointy Finger
Preservey Fruit
Pressy Button
Pricky Sausage
Pumpy Tyres
Punchy Face
Reversey Truck
Selly Shop
Shiny Star
Shocky Cable
Shooty Gun
Shouty Man
Sneezey Nose
Spanny Bridge
Squeaky Mouse
Stabby Dagger
Swervey Bike
Swoopy Bat
Tappy Shoulder
Tempty Treat
Throwy Stick
Tossy Salad
Turny Handle
Votey Candidate
Walky Path
Warny Sign
Washy Dishes
Wavey Flag
Whippy Horse
Wrappy Present

That easy. Every single one evokes an actual game just from the title, and each is a surefire million selling hit. Now, if only I could code well enough to make them. That and I suspect half of them probably already exist.

The Filth of No Man’s Sky

Won’t somebody think of the children?

Presented mostly without comment, here is a gallery of some of the more suspect rock formations, flora and creatures I’ve so far come across in the wonderful game that is No Man’s Sky.

Stop giggling. This is serious business. Remember: if it’s rude, it’s you that thought it was, not me.

Yes, it’s gold.
No Man's Sky_20160823191103
Uh huh.
No Man's Sky_20160829153004
Maybe see a doctor.
No Man's Sky_20160902225046
Hitler only had one.
No Man's Sky_20160902231509
No Man's Sky_20160903162214

Then there’s this instruction:

No Man's Sky_20160813185548

And finally, this creature. Oh my.

How Debbie Met a Stranger

“I reckon I’ll stay in this evening, I’ve got a feeling something’s going to happen!”

Like we’re supposed to believe that the lovely Debbie is 1) really into computers, 2) owns a modem, and 3) is actually a woman.

In the early 90s, bulletin board systems like this didn’t have women on them, and anyone who appeared to be a woman was almost always a man. It’s not being sexist, that’s just how it was. Geeky men with thick rimmed glasses and facial bumfluff but enough money to dial these incredibly expensive phone numbers for hours at a time.

I wasn’t one of them, of course, because I didn’t wear glasses and had nowhere near enough money. I did, for a time in around 1993-4 have a modem for my Spectrum and again briefly in 1995 had one for my Amiga 500. I can’t recall what I dialled for the former, and the latter was a board called Digisomething. Digidrive? I’ve no idea.

Digiwhatever gave me my first personal email address (I’d used email at school years before, but never had my own email account) which I never used, and had the usual at the time set of message boards, chatrooms (which were always empty), text files full of jokes and hacking guides and stuff, download areas (to get Amiga public domain software and no doubt some viruses as a bonus) and games you could play within the system. One was Hunt the Wumpus, another was a sort of MUD you could create rooms in as you go. It was incredible at the time. To get an idea of some of the stuff that got put on these things to look at, you can find some are archived here.

A year or so later I had free internet access at university and joined a telnet BBS called Room 101. It was “run” by some geeks at the University of Ripon (which isn’t where I went), but in reality was probably loaded onto a computer sat in a cupboard somewhere and the staff didn’t know about it. It was almost certainly accidentally turned off in around 2001 and since nobody knew it was even there, was never turned back on.

Like Digiwhojilly, it had games and chat rooms and things, but because it was more widely used, mainly by students across the country, it was much busier. It was fun while it lasted, and didn’t come with a massive phone bill.

Amazingly, there was one actual real actual genuine girl on there, called Justine. I know she was a girl because I rang her twice while drunk. The second time I called she was out and I spoke to her mum at 2am. It was awkward. “So how do you know Justine?” “We spoke on a computer, er, thingie.” “And why are you calling at 2am?” “I’m drunk”.

That’s how Debbie met a stranger. No, I’m not Debbie – Justine is.

More amazingly, considering the internet is a global thing, and Room 101 was at the very least UK-wide (although I do remember at least one American on there), I was in a computer room at three in the morning or some other ungodly hour chatting on Room 101. Slowly it dawned on me that the guy I was chatting to was sat behind me. Then I found out he lived in the same halls of residence as me in an adjacent corridor. What are the chances?

But really, Debbie in that advert? Advertising in nerdy computer magazines that bored women go on some online chatroom? In 1993? No way.

ADDENDUM: It was DigiBank! Also known as Digital Databank, and closed in 1998. Turns out it was a mainly Acorn BBS, but they definitely did Amiga stuff.

Best Pokemon Pun Names

Assuming you’re not calling them all Dave, anyway.

If you’re a Pokémon Go player, and you’re not calling all your pokémon “Dave”, then you’re doing it wrong. However, you can be partially redeemed by naming them one or more of these incredible (mainly) celebrity pun-based monikers. Original Red/Blue/Yellow line-up only of course, as that’s the Pokémon Go way!

Unfortunately, the character limit in the game is somewhat miserly, so you may need to truncate or creatively abridge a few of these fantastic suggestions.

  • Gengareth Gates
  • Paras Hilton
  • Bill Oddish
  • Raticate Middleton
  • Alakazammo McGuire
  • Mew Edwards
  • Phil Wigglytuffnell
  • Dratini Turner
  • Marowakin Phoenix
  • Meowthandie Newton
  • Persian Lloyd
  • Fearowland Rivron
  • Fatty Arbokle
  • Bruce Forscyther
  • Seel Diamond
  • Pete Lapras
  • Charmander Holden
  • Eddie Charizard
  • Horseamantha Fox
  • Jeremy Weedle
  • Jack Spearow
  • Jeff Golbat
  • Rick Gastly
  • Haunterence Trent d’Arby
  • Rhydonald Trump
  • Chansey Laine
  • Tangela Lansbury
  • Donna Kebabra
  • Venonatman John
  • Hypnoel Edmonds
  • Vaporeonald Reagan
  • Nidoranneka Rice
  • Gerry Rattataty
  • Cubone Gooding Jr
  • Drowzeezee Top

More Art of Toilets in Video Games

Crap post.

You may recall that something I collect is screenshots of toilets in the games that I play. For reasons I don’t fully understand, of course, but who doesn’t like a good WC in any game they happen to be playing? It’s the best bit.

I archive all the bogs I discover over on Tumblr, and here are a few I’ve found since my last post on the subject.

Firstly, some frustratingly inaccessible lavatorial areas, like this one from Grim Fandango. Manny can go in, but sadly, we can’t follow. Also, Manny is a skeleton so not sure how his waterworks, er, works.


Following on from bogs-you-can’t-enter in Persona 4 Golden, the very Persona-like Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE on the Wii U has a similar scenario:


Oh why must you tease us? See also the definitely not Sonic game Freedom Planet:


And this from Animal Crossing Amiibo Festival, where at one point in the game you clean these toilets, but you can never actually use them. Tch.


Continue reading “More Art of Toilets in Video Games”

War of Wizards

A game of spell combat. Great prizes. 45p per min.

Operator: Hello. And welcome. To Ian Livingstone’s. War. Of. Wizards.
Caller: Hel–
Operator: Ian. Livingstone’s. War. Of. Wizards. Is an interactive. Tel-e-phone fantasy. Adventure. Game. Of–
Caller: I know ca–
Operator: –Spell combat. Ian. Livingstone’s War–
Caller: Of Wizards, yes can we ju–
Operator: by Computerdial. You. Are being. Charged. Thir. Tee. Four. Pence. Per minute off peak. And four. Tee. Five. Pence at. All. Other. Times. To play. Ian. Livingstone’s. War. Of. Wiz–
Caller: Can I please just play–
Operator: –staying. On the. Line, you. Are. Agreeing to. The. Terms. And. Conditions. Which. Can be obtained. By sending. A large. Self. Addressed…
Caller: Wh–
Operator: Envelope. To. Our. Address. Which I. Will read. Out. To. You. Now. You may. Want. To. Find. A pen. Or some. Other. Writing. Implement. And. Something. To. Wr–
Caller: I don’t need the details! Can I just pla–
Operator: On. Write. To. Ian. Livingstone’s. War. Of. Wizards. Care. Of. Computer. Dial. Limited. Guil–
Caller: This has cost me £15 already and we’ve not even got to the game yet!
Operator: Four. Jay. You. That address. Again. Ian–
Caller: OH FOR CHRI*bang**click**brrrrrrrrrrr*
Operator: You know, Ian, one of these days you’re going to have to write an actual game here or something.

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