The Earth is Flat

That Michael Palin is a damn dirty liar.

The Earth, as in, the planet that we all live on, is flat. It must be true because I read it on the internet. Bafflingly, in an age of science and space travel, there are people who still insist that we are indeed living on a spinning disc rather than a football. All those people who went into space and saw it was round? Liars 1. Explorers? Misled. Evidence? Hokum.

There is a movement at the moment to believe what you’re told by popular (but wrong) people, and dismiss proof and insight given by those qualified to impart such information. As Pob-faced political vote-monkey Michael Gove said himself – “people in this country have had enough of experts”. That’s right, Mickey. Should we listen to you? If you’re not an expert you have no insight, and if you are, we’ve had enough.

The International Flat Earth Society have been around lot longer than Gove, though, peddling their modern interpretations of facts since 1956 but having roots back to the 1800s. However, since we now live in a Post-Truth world, perhaps it’s time for them to become a bigger power? Anything goes these days, it seems, so faith in such a blatantly illogical statement could well become the norm.

When you’ve accepted that the Earth is indeed flat, then you also have to believe some other “alternative truths” for it to work, and this raises questions. How do day and night happen, if there’s no globe to spin round the sun? How come the horizon exists, if the planet doesn’t curve away? What happens when you reach the edge of the disc? Was Terry Pratchett right all along? And what about gravity?

Gravity as a theory is false. Objects simply fall.

Oh, right. That explains it then. Why they fall is seemingly unknown, but so long as Flat Earthers are telling us that’s the case, then it’s fine. The same goes for the other questions above – the sun just does days. There is no edge. The horizon can’t work if the world is curved, and so on. The Truth is what you’re told, silly. Stop asking questions.

Somehow, despite the Earth itself being flat, the FES proclaim that the moon is a sphere. But then, they’re the experts and we’ve had enough of them.

Notes:

  1. “Most Flat Earthers think Astronauts have been bribed or coerced into their testimonies. Some believe they have been fooled or are mistaken.”

Best of Junk Mail, September 2016

Do you have problems with bladder control? Tena Lady present to you a service for all our clients on holiday.

(This suggestion from @qazimod)

blog idea: Junk Mail – Best of, Sept-Oct edition.

Let’s get right into the bulging sack that is my junk folder, shall we?

Cordial Saludo.
Señores,
Tenemos el placer de presentarnos a ustedes como empresa prestadora de servicio, con un alto enfasis en servicio al cliente y calidad.
Nos encantaria contar con ustedes como agencia de viajes, para la gestión de clientes y para el trabajo en union empresarial, y de esa manera aliarnos para ofrecerles lo que sabemos y tenemos.
Si estan interesados en formar una alianza estrategica con nuestro hotel, comuniquesen con nosotros para enseñarles mas ampliamente nuestras instalaciones.
Le agradecemos de antemano su tiempo empleado en la lectura de esta presentación, en seguridad de no defraudar su tiempo y atencion.
HOTEL LA TERRAZA
¡Qué buen descanso!

 

Scorchio! From what little Spanish I know, I translated it as this:

 

Friendly salutations.
Sirs,
Do you have problems with bladder control? Tena Lady present to you a service for all our clients on holiday. No more encountering unwanted wetness, especially when gestating [being pregnant, presumably] or when in a special union [erm, making love?]. Your man’s allure won’t be offended by Tena Lady. You are interested, yes? Why not come to our hotel, where you communicate with your nostrils and we will implement an installation.
The agreement with other men plead all the time for lectures and presentations about the security of our fraudulent product, and it’s time for your attention.
THE HOTEL TERRACE
What lovely decking!

 

Pretty sure that’s word for word. This next one is in English, or at least I think it is. I’ve had to do a screenshot because all those wacky accents won’t copy and paste (and don’t bother clicking the link):

 

viagra junk mail
Ventolin? Why would I buy that over the internet from this no doubt classy and legitimate online pharmacy? It’s an asthma drug freely available from the chemist on the high street. Hmm.

 

Mind you, some of the other stuff might come in handy if I follow up this email from “saharok <sales@withnellcarsales.com>”. No, they’re not trying to sell me a car. Unless she comes with a car? Maybe she does.

 

Hello man
I wanted to meet you. My name is Iuliia,
I live in a great country called Russia. You live in England (Uk)?
I am a single girl looking for a lonely man for relationship.
I want to meet the partner of your life and be with him until the end of life. Our goals are the same?
In the letter I send you my photo, as I will wait for your photos.
If you not is interesting please ignore my letter. I will understand.
If you are interested then we can continue our dialogue in more detail. Have a nice day

 

junk mail

 

Sadly, I think Iuliia (some version of Julia?) is barking up the wrong tree. She says “I want to meet the partner of your life and be with him until the end of life”, but the partner of my life is my wife, who is in no way a him, and I’m certainly not interested in Iuliia coming into her life forever. No, definitely not. Ever. I was tempted to send some of my No Man’s Sky screenshots though, as she did ask for photos.
Wait a minute…

Continue reading “Best of Junk Mail, September 2016”

Getcha spool macs here!

I have no idea what a spool mac is. Well, I do now, by the miracle of Google. They’re a big cable reel thing. A spool, if you will.

However, like Bar Gratings, I’m clearly the place to get some spool macs from. Or so the email I got this morning suggests:

From: glen johnson
Date: 11 November 2011 07:12
Subject: order

Hello,
Am Mr Glen Johnson and i will like to order spool macs from your company,can i have their prices in range and the method of payment you do accept,I wish to start business with your good company so i look forward for your valued reply ASAP.

Have a nice day !

Best Regards
Glen Johnson

Well, never one to turn down a potential customer, I passed him on to my faithful sales employee, Harry:

Dear Mr Glen,

We sell large spool macs at US$120.41 each, and small spool macs at US$118.12 each.

We accept payment by Paypal and Green Shield Stamps.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Haz
Senior Executive Tie

Reeling in a scammer Pt 2: Fish On!

I got an email back today:

Hello,

I will like you to send me the list of GAME CONSOLES you have
available and their prices,so i can choose the one that is most
suitable for me.

Regards

So I sent this in return:

Dear Mr Henry

Here is a list of the GAME CONSOLES in our stocks. All prices are priced in US DOLLERS.

NEW
NINTENDO WII WHITE $200
NINTENDO WII BLACK $220
ZII CONSOLE $100
ITEK $60
SEGA XBOX 360 250GBS BLACK $240
SEGA XBOX 360 AND KINECTS $320
SONNY PLAY STATION 3 $280
SONNY PLAY STATION 3 AND MOVE $300
GAME KING $50
GAME KING II $60
NINTENDO DUAL DS WHITE $110
NINTENDO DUAL DS BLUE $110
SONNY PLAY STATUS PORTABLE $140

REMANUFACTURED
NONTENDO GAME BOY ADVANCE $40
NONTENDO DUAL DS CLONE $80
TOMY TRONIC SKY FIGHTERS $20

Best,
Haz (Exec Sales Admin Exec Sales Dept)

Reel reel reel reel…

Reeling in a scammer

This never works, but it’s always worth a go to see how far things progress. Earlier this week, I got the following email:

Hi Sales,

Am Mr Henry Romans. I want to place an order from you. I know the difficulties encountered when shipping internationally, But that will not be a problem because i am registered with a shipping company whom i have used severally without any delay nor problems with my goods. Before i place these order, i want you to notify me if i am able to place the order and most important: If i can make payment with my credit cards Visa/Mc because that is the only way we are set for payment now without no delay. I don’t place online orders can i e-mail my ORDER needed then you can give me a quote here and make charges to my cards manually on your end ? Pls Clarify.

Looking forward to your swift response then we can proceed further as soon as possible.

Warmest Regards.

Mr Henry Romans

Shipping Address:
103-103 Yangwoo Apt, 323 Sosadong Sosaku
Bucheon City
Kyunggido
53226
Korea
Reg. No. 1450528

How could I resist? I thought I’d play along, not expecting much (as I said – they rarely respond back).

Dear Mr Henry,

Yes, we can ship many product to you by the way of your shipping company and I am happy to take your credit cards (we accept MC/VISA/AMEX/Diners/TigerTokens) by emailing so I can quote immediately.

How many units are you in the ordering of?

Best,
Haz (Sales Corp Exec Admin)

Imagine my surprise when he actually emailed back! I’m not sure what he thinks I’m selling though, and I’m not certain how this scam actually “works”, or at least, is supposed to work, but still…

Hello,

I will like you to send me the list of products you have available and their prices,so i can choose the one that is most suitable for me.

Regards

After some thought, I decided what I would sell him and emailed this back:

Dear Mr Henry,

We have a many selection of assorted different products and styles. Our best selling products are SUNGLASSES and GENUINE FAKE ROLEX WATCHES, but we also sell GOLF CLUBS, SPYING EQUIPMENT, MP3/MP4/MP5 PLAYERS, GAME CONSOLES, BAR GRATINGS, CELL PHONE CHARGERS and USB GADGETS.

Which of these are you most interested in?

Best,
Haz (Sales Admin Exec Sales)

Let’s hope the fishy bites, yes? I may have jinxed it with the bar gratings though.

Selling Bar Gratings

I got a very strange email yesterday:

From: clement boot
Date: 8 March 2010 12:15
Subject: Order

Dear Customer Service

My name is Rev Clement Boot with the Boot’s & Company Inc and i am
sending this email to your business as per regards to the order for
some ((Bar Grating)) . I will want you to send me an email response
back with the types of ((Bar Grating))that you carry as well as their
prices that you carry in stock now so that i can make my selection and
let you know the type that i am looking for so that we can proceed
with the order and i will also like to know the forms of payment that
you accept so that we can proceed with the order.

Best Regards
Rev. Boot

Since, bizarrely, I also happen to run a company that make gratings and fences (not actually true), I thought I’d best email him back post haste!

Hello Dear Mr Rev. Boot,

I am very glad you have the time in contacting our company for the very purpose of enquiring about the products in the type of Bar Grating that we are producers of. We have many Bar Grading products suitable for floors and fencings. We have thicknesses for you from 10MM to 500MM and make curves to a degrees of 90%. Bar Gratings can be made from steel or 17% iron alloy bronze.

Payments can be made by PAYPAL or WESTERN UNION, in advancement of your shipping.

Please supply the specifications of the Bar Grating you wish to buy from us and our sales will invoice you with pricings for our produce.

Best Regards,
Mr. Harry Bloxham
Gratings and Fencings GMBH.

Could be onto a bit of cash here!

Update at 09:30!

Seems I’m not the only person the very Rev Boot has been contacting! This guy was asked to provide details of his kayak products, and this one was asked for 200.000pcs of iron! Clearly Clement is a terrorist.

Best Nigerian scam email in ages

What I like about this, is that not only do I get an huge cash sum, but I bag myself a gen-you-wine Nigerian woman into the bargain!

See also the amazing nonsense about my file (marked X!) and the released disk (painted RED!).

From:     janejames08@gmail.com
Subject:     Jame J
Date:     5 June 2009 14:20:52 BST
To:     Undisclosed recipients: ;
Reply-To:     janejames01@hotmail.co.uk

I am Miss Jane James.. a computer scientist with central bank of Nigeria.

I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N. I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you. The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you, instead they let you spend money unnecessarily. I do not intend to work here all the days of my life, I can release this fund to you if you can certify me
of my security, and how I can run away from this Nigeria if I do this, because if I don’t run away from this country after i make the transfer, I will seriously be in trouble and my life will be in danger.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria, you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian. The only thing I will need to release this fund is a special HARD DISK we call it HD120 GIG. I will buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, punch the computer to reflect in your bank within 24 banking hours. I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file, after which I will run away from Nigeria to meet with you. If you are interested.

SPECIAL INFORMATION:YOU WILL SEND THE FEE FOR THE HARD DISK FIRST BEFORE I MAKE YOUR TRANSFER.DONT CONTACT ME IF YOU CAN NOT SEND THE HARD DISK FEE FIRST.AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR EMAIL I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THE DISK WILL COST YOU.

Do get in touch with me immediately.

Regards,
Jane James.
Computer Scientist
janejames01@hotmail.co.uk

Domain name renewal scam

I got another one of those read-it-or-fall-for-it domain name expiry scam at work emails today. Like the last one, it relies on you panicking when you read it and think your company’s domain name is due to expire – today – and you hurriedly send off your pennies to this company in order to keep your site running.

Of course, that isn’t what’s happening. This company are actually selling you a search engine submission subscription. Something which is pretty useless these days anyway, even if that is what they actually do (I doubt it).

To add to the panic, I received this today (12th May) with the subject “This is your Final Notice of Domain Notification”. Look at the deadline for when my domain registration expires: today.

Helpfully, there’s no company name on the email, although the sender is a dead giveaway something is up – Domain Services <domsrvcs72@hotmail.com>. Then there’s the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom, which uses the email address wdsrv278@operamail.com. The address for the company is given as 47-47 36th Street #16452, Long Island City, NY 11101 in the US. Another giveaway, as the domain is UK registered. Finally, there’s a fax number: 1-646-385-7542.

domainscam_sm2

(click for bigger)