Magician Lord (Wii): COMPLETED!

Rubbish. Worst game ever? At this moment, it feels like it. I know it isn’t, because I’ve played worse, but it must be close.

Magician Lord is a terrible excuse for a platform shooter, where your poorly animated wizard blindly stumbles around badly designed mazey levels looking for the end boss (who is usually in the last place left to look in), whilst trying to shoot or avoid rubbish looking baddies with three frames of animation each, but failing to because it is usually impossible.

Sometimes you’ll pick up a power-up that turns you into a dragon or a ninja or some other creature drawn by a four-year old, but after two hits you lose it again, and lose it you will for the reasons given above. And I’ve not even mentioned the unavoidable deaths when you’re climbing a ladder, or when things materialise out of nowhere, with no warning, and kill you.

The best worst thing about the game is the section on the final level where you have to cross a chasm using moving platforms, only floating above you are ball monsters (I can’t tell what they actually are because of how badly drawn they are) that swoop in and knock or shoot you off the platforms or out of the sky as you try to jump across or just jump to kill them. Which you invariably can’t do because you’re too slow and the game has a stupid jump arc which seems to change randomly, so you usually miss your shot or your landing platform. Or both. Or don’t miss, but get knocked off. Even though I had infinite continues, I swear I was close to using them all up.

Actually, the best worst bit is even worse that that, and comes soon afterwards at the end boss. Yes – this is a spoiler for the end of the game, but frankly, if you can be bothered to play to the end after this slating and get past the Moving Platforms Of Hideous Gameplay, you really deserve to have the ending ruined for you.

Not only does the game suffer from the SuckySuck(TM) Bit (which you should know by now is a Boss Rush), but it also suffers from that other Irritating and Unnecessary Gaming Cliché: when the boss dies, and is dead, and you think you’ve won, but he then transforms into something else. Sigh.

And I’ve not even mentioned the terrible, terrible speech and dialogue sections: “You are great guy! You must die soon.”. No, really.

If this game were a person, I’d both punch and kick it in the face.

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