I review the week’s singles

I review the week’s singles

(This suggestion from @_Lee_ZX_ – nice underscore work there, Lee)

deKay reviews the week’s singles?

Now I’m going to assume, and it’s a pretty big assumption, that Lee is talking about the UK’s music singles rather than the latest postings on Plenty of Fish. Although that would be pretty good to do a post on, assuming I never want to write anything ever again. *makes notes*

There is a problem here in that several million (estimate) new singles are released every day, and there’s no way I’m going to review all of them. Reducing it to just those released this week that actually ended up in the UK top 40 goes too far the other way, with just 4 songs. I have decided, then, to review the current (as of the 26th August 2016) UK Top 10. If that’s not good enough for you, Lee, then I’m sorry. So very sorry.

Since this is my blog, I won’t be reviewing them by actually listening to them, my goodness no. That’s far too much work. I’ll be basing my review entirely on the title of the track. It’s as good as any other measure, I’m sure. This week then:

  1. COLD WATER by Major Lazer/Justin Bieber/Mø
    Lazer is spelt wrong and Justin Bieber in cold water just makes me feel sick. I’m not sure what a Mø is, although I did find out if you hold own the O key on a Mac for a few seconds then press the number 6, you can type it. Why anyone would sing about cold water is beyond me. Unless it’s from the Titanic soundtrack? It’s not, is it? BOUY/10
  2. LET ME LOVE YOU by DJ Snake Ft Justin Bieber
    Justin Bieber again? This wouldn’t happen in my day. I presume the song is about DJ Snake, who may or may not be an actual snake (how does he drive the decks?), asking our Just for permission to love him. You don’t need permission to love someone, you stupid boy/man/reptile. FORKED TONGUE/10
  3. DANCING ON MY OWN by Calum Scott
    I can see it now. Poor Calum’s mates have all copped off with some girls on a hen night, and Calum comes out of the toilets and returns to the dancefloor. After a few minutes it dawns on him that all his chums have gone. In fact, everyone has gone. It’s morning, Calum – you passed out on the bog again. There’s not even any music playing. Oh Calum. LONELY/10
  4. CLOSER by Chainsmokers Ft Halsey
    Pretty sure Halsey is a Pokémon, and smoking, let alone chainsmoking, is bad, OK? If they’re really chainsmokers, I would certainly stay away, my little Pokéchum, as passive smoking is a killer too. Unless it’s “closer” as in, someone who closes, in which case it’s perhaps a song about closing the cigarette packet and giving up. Either way, stupid song. FAG ASH/10
  5. PERFECT STRANGERS by Jonas Blue Ft JP Cooper
    Was Jonas in Blue, or is he one of the Jonas Brothers? And isn’t JP Cooper some financial investment company? None of this makes any sense. Nor does the title of the song, actually – unless it’s about two people who never meet. Perhaps Jonas never went to his JP Cooper appointment about what to do with the lump sum he was left when his grandma passed away. BANKERS/10
  6. DON’T LET ME DOWN by Chainsmokers Ft Daya
    I’ve never heard of anyone so far, apart from Justin Bieber and frankly, I’d rather not have heard about him. It’s Chainsmokers again, still unable to do without Nick O’Teen (best get Superman on it), and Daya is… who? In this song, maybe Daya is a car tyre and Chainsmokers are vandals. Right? Who knows any more. Modern songs are crap. DEFLATION/10
  7. HEATHENS by Twenty One Pilots
    That’s almost as many people in a single pop combo as Blazin’ Squad. Now there’s some proper music. Being pilots, they eschew the notion that God did not intend us to fly, and therefore are dubbed heathens. Blimey, that was an obvious one. 747/10
  8. ONE DANCE by Drake ft Wizkid & Kyla
    Wizkid was that C64 game wasn’t it? Sequel to Wizball? Seems he’s done good for himself. Drake, I’ve heard of – he’s the one that isn’t Chris Brown – and Kyla was in Final Fantasy I think. Not sure why they all have One Dance, but that dance is clearly going to be Morris Dancing. About time we had another Morris Dancing hit in the charts, I have to say. MAYPOLES/10
  9. TREAT YOU BETTER by Shawn Mendes
    I didn’t realise the Spider-Man film guy sang songs too. I expect this track is all about Peter Parker’s double life causing problems for his relationship with Mary-Jane, forever standing her up, putting her in harms way, occasionally getting her killed. Those sorts of things. And he’s promising to treat her better. Aw, Spidey. You can’t! Not while Doctor Octopus is still at large! WEBS/10
  10. TOO GOOD by Drake Ft Rihanna
    I know who Rihanna is! She’s the one who can’t spell her own name and has a bottom. No, the other one with a bottom. Who sings. No the other other one. Yeah, that one. This song is self-referential and is about how it is literally too good to go to number one, so ended up at number ten instead. And some people say the charts aren’t rigged! MILKSHAKE/10


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